behavioural | duplicitymods

( he doesn't want to talk about it. he's never wanted to talk about it. the shit with his family. it's always been the one constant with him. it takes too much out of him to explain how convoluted and fucked up the stricklands are behind closed doors — away from the safety of the public eye. it would take him too long to go over all the rules and obligations, both structurally and socially. it would take him back to an even darker place if he talks about the restrictions placed on him.

none of it matters anymore anyway. everyone who could prove to be a problem is dead. he had ensured it with his own hands.

he thought he made the right decision to keep his friends away from that side of his life. he still thinks he made the right decision. but even if he doesn't plan to give them a play by play of his entire life, he can at least give them a little more insight, especially if it will benefit them. )

Yea. ( he nods once as he removes his hands from his pockets. ) Bad's one way to put it.

( he lowers his gaze to his knuckles, bruised and busted up. he turns over his left hand, rubbing the palm of it with his thumb. he lets the silence hanging between them drag on for a while. he spent the past five years convincing himself that the decisions he made and the actions he took were the right ones. now, he is no longer sure. )

I killed people, Nicky. Not monsters or... ( he draws in a deep breath. ) They weren't corrupted. Not like those things in the forest. ( an uneasy smile tilts the corner of his lips. ) Most of them were even family. ( but not all of them were supposed to die — an invasive thought ignored. )

I can't... go back to being that person again either. ( he finally lifts his gaze back to nick, his smile still weighted. )

Edited 2022-04-03 09:05 (UTC)

[ pierce's family have always been this kind of elephant in the room. none of them have good families, they're all kind of their own brands of awful, but there's something about the strickland's that they've never really touched on. and once upon a time that was unusual -- once upon a time secrets weren't a thing, not between all of them.

but pierce tells him more than nick expects, and maybe it's to make a point as much as anything else, but it's still honesty. nick unwinds one of his arms, reaches his hand out towards pierce and holds it out, palm up. there's nothing magical about it at all. it's just a hand, reaching out. ]

I missed you so much, when you left. I thought— I knew you guys were graduating, but I thought everything would stay the same, you know? But you left, and then so did Ken, and Oli's around, but it's not the same. I always figured you found cooler friends to hang out with.

[ it's a joke, nick even laughs, a little weak. tired. he doesn't have the energy for a whole mask, or even a little if he's honest. ]

You feel different. I thought it was just age, or this place. I don't know. But I love you, still.

I missed you too.

( he doesn't want to get into detail about how they all sort of fell apart after graduation, especially when he can only make conjectures about some of them. there are still a lot of blank spaces to be filled during those five years.

he places his hand over nick's outstretched one, slightly more settled by the gesture. )

We've both changed, Nick. By things outside of our control. And things that we aren't exactly proud of. But if you can still love me after what I just told you, then what makes you think you don't deserve at least that much?

( he didn't tell him what he did because he wanted compassion or reassurance. there is a prevalent point to be made here, one that he hopes nick doesn't miss. )

[ he's already fairly determined not to cry on pierce's stupid couch again, but pierce brings his point home like that and nick sort of--wilts. his face cracks, but it only lasts for a moment before nick is pulling it back with a slow and measured exhale.

he latches onto pierce's hand though, grip a little too tight as his fingers close around the other's hand. ]

I don't know. I just... [ there's an end to that sentence coming, but nick trails off like there isn't. he shrugs, expression tight, an he's so determined not to fall apart here again, but it's hard. it's hard when he's thinking about these nasty, unpleasant parts of himself that he shines lights away from, as much as he can. ]

I don't deserve it. I don't know if there's anything left to love.

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