behavioural | duplicitymods

[ he seriously considers not answering. nick is so tired, and he's already played out exactly how he thinks this will go--so maybe it's just self-torment that sees him picking up anyway.

it would be better if pierce was yelling at him, he thinks. he knows how to respond to anger. this is just...messy, and he's already scraped so thin. ]

It was working until someone decided to tell him.

[ which is not the lesson that nick should have taken away from this whole situation, but--for better or worse, it's true, and it's kind of hard to ignore that. ]

Why are you mad? Is it...because I lied, or because you think I'm stupid, or because— just tell me.

( he... really isn't getting the point, is he? )

I'm mad because I fuckin' care about you, moron. You're doing stupid shit that's putting you in harm's way. Do you think that I would just be okay with it? That Oli or Ken would be? Seriously, Nick. Use your fuckin' brain sometimes.

You weren't supposed to find out.

[ which is also hugely missing the point, but some petulant part of nick desperately wants to make the point somewhere. if the information hadn't spread, if oli hadn't found out, if the only one still suffering was nick--

--well. maybe he understands why people aren't just okay with letting this happen, but that doesn't mean he feels any less right. ]

God, Pierce, what does it even matter? So I let him fuck me a few times so he wouldn't go sniffing after Oli as much, so what? It's hardly anything new. You know I've fucked like half the city, right?

( is he doing this on purpose? he's doing this on purpose, isn't he? )

Let's put this into perspective. ( he can't believe that he has to be the rational adult here. ) Since you think what you did is okay, then does that mean you wouldn't get pissed if William abused Oli or Ken and they decided to continue sleeping with him "a few times" to get him off your back? That would be okay and it wouldn't matter as long as you didn't find out, right?

But it didn't.

[ nick has blown right past wanting anyone to understand his thinking, he doesn't expect to convince anyone that he's in the right--but for some reason he still argues anyway, a little desperation straining his voice. ]

It's not them, that's the point. It's just me, and Oli was supposed to stay the fuck away once he got out and it would have been fine. It's not them.

( he doesn't say anything for a long moment. when he speaks again, his voice has soften considerably. )

Yea. But that's the thing, Nick. You are part of the them for us.

You might think it's fine as long as you're the one getting hurt, but it isn't, mate. Just like how you wouldn't be fine if it was either Oli or Ken. That's the position you're putting us in right now. Is that the kind of precedence you want to set? Because if you insist that what you've done is acceptable and that none of us should get angry over it, then that means none of us should get angry if one of us end up in the same position as you are right now in the future. I'm not fine with that. Are you?

It's different. You don't get it, it is. It's not the same at all.

[ but he can't explain how it's different, because he can't put it into words. nick doesn't know how to lay out all the reasons why nick makes for acceptable collateral damage in a way that none of the rest of them do. he just hasn't thought about it laid out so clearly as this, is the thing. that is was okay because it was nick.

it's not a nice realisation. it's not one he's willing to linger on, either. his breath catches in his throat, but nick clears his throat, moves on. ]

Pierce, it was working.

( where the fuck has your self-worth gone, nicholas? )

At your expense, Nick. Do you want me to praise you for distracting that fuckin' dipshit with your ass? Do you want me to be happy about it? Like what kind of person do you fuckin' think I am, mate?

( don't get heated again. this is not the time, strickland. )

Explain to me how it isn't the same.

I don't want you to be happy I just want you to--to realise I had a reason. I wasn't just...fucking around, getting myself into shit for nothing. I had a reason, a good one.

[ he almost hangs up. nick really, seriously considers just hanging up because it's preferable to trying to untangle his own chaotic thoughts on any of this. because the thought of trying to actually explain the logic behind that statement makes him feel a little like he's choking. but oli hasn't spoken to him in days, and nick isn't sure that he can lose anyone else. ]

I was here for a year before you guys showed up. A lot happened. So--no. It's not the same.

There is a difference between having a good reason and having one that's actually worth it. Your reason was not worth it.

( he figured that it has something to do with this fuckin' city and its fuckin' people. )

Try again, Nick. Just because you were here longer doesn't make it more alright for you to treat yourself like crap compared to the rest of us.

But I know how to handle this.

[ 'this' being a very loose, vague term on purpose. nick hates putting words to anything that has happened to him, almost as much as he hates talking about it in the first place. he just--doesn't, not even with the therapist he pays for the sole purpose of talking. ]

A year. I'm already...it doesn't hurt, I know how to deal. I figured it out, and they haven't had to, and I can't— I don't want them to learn how to figure it out.

Handle what? Being fuckin' abused and taken advantaged of? You learned how to cope with it, but it doesn't make it alright for you to keep experiencing it, mate. That isn't justification for putting yourself through the fuckin' wringer when you don't deserve it.

( he takes a steadying breath. )

We're already here, Nick. You can't shield them by keeping them in the dark and taking matters into your own hands. The only way we can protect ourselves is if we stick together like we've always done. ( he feels sick to his stomach saying that like he has any fuckin' right to. the sheer hypocrisy of his own inaction isn't lost to him. ) We don't keep shit from each other and we don't deal with shit on our own.

[...]

At least that's how it should be. How it was.

[ nick already cried in front of pierce, he can't do it again -- but it's awful hard, with a topic like this. nick swallows, exhales shakily, tries to pull some semblance of composure together. ]

I don't know how to talk, Pierce. I don't. It's bad enough that Oli already dug up one video, that you guys know about-- [ william. the name leaves a bad taste in his mouth, one he doesn't finish saying. ]

I'm not, like.....that person. I don't think I'm the person you guys known any more.

These things aren't meant to be easy to talk about. But if you can't even confide in us, then who else is left for you to rely on? You can't keep that shit to yourself forever, Nick. It's just going to eat away inside of you until there's nothing left.

( there is a slight scoff as that last line hits too closely to home. he exhales softly. )

Hey. Nicky. Can you come over here? I don't want to do this over the phone.

[ the problem is not talking to anyone, for days and weeks and months and years, and the problem is how easily lies come, and the problem is the very real fear that there is nothing left to be eaten away at. the more real fear that pierce will see that if he opens up too much, that any of them will see that.

but he's tired, and he hurts, so nick just--sighs, and shrugs even if pierce can't see it. ]

Where are you?

In my apartment. I don't have many places to go these days.

( nowhere he feels like going. not when he isn't looking for a fight anyway. )

[ hanging up feels satisfying, even if it doesn't mean much with how nick opens up a portal moments later. he's only a little hesitant as he steps through, careful and quiet, teeth dug into the inside of his cheek as he casts around.

he looks--not great, honestly. tired, distinctly sober, a kind of washed out misery that he can't really shake. when he talks, he sounds about the same, too. ]

I don't know when it got this bad. I didn't--I wasn't like this back home, I know I wasn't.

( pierce doesn't look much better than nick, but it's much more of a physical state than it is emotional. most of it has been hidden away under his clothes though — a zipped up black hoodie and grey sweatpants. they cling onto him, mostly forgotten. )

You've been in this fuckin' place for a year. Give yourself a break. ( he looks over at him from his lounge on the couch, but he soon sits upright. ) It's been five years for me. Do you think I'm the same person I was in BCR? ( he pats the space next to him. )

Our environment changes us just as much as our experiences. ( hands tucked away in the front pockets of his jacket, he reclines back against the arm of the couch. ) Sometimes for the better, sometimes not.

It's been a really shitty year.

[ nick folds up into the space next to pierce, thighs tucked up against his chest and held there with arms wound tight around his legs. he's always been on the skinny side of slim, but these days it's veering right into scrawny. his chin sits on top of his knee and he looks out at the apartment in front of them, not at pierce.

he knows exactly what his clothes cover up, nick knew the moment he sat down, can practically feel the damaged cells, but he doesn't say anything about it yet. ]

Those five years. It's bad, right? You don't have to tell me what happens.

( he doesn't want to talk about it. he's never wanted to talk about it. the shit with his family. it's always been the one constant with him. it takes too much out of him to explain how convoluted and fucked up the stricklands are behind closed doors — away from the safety of the public eye. it would take him too long to go over all the rules and obligations, both structurally and socially. it would take him back to an even darker place if he talks about the restrictions placed on him.

none of it matters anymore anyway. everyone who could prove to be a problem is dead. he had ensured it with his own hands.

he thought he made the right decision to keep his friends away from that side of his life. he still thinks he made the right decision. but even if he doesn't plan to give them a play by play of his entire life, he can at least give them a little more insight, especially if it will benefit them. )

Yea. ( he nods once as he removes his hands from his pockets. ) Bad's one way to put it.

( he lowers his gaze to his knuckles, bruised and busted up. he turns over his left hand, rubbing the palm of it with his thumb. he lets the silence hanging between them drag on for a while. he spent the past five years convincing himself that the decisions he made and the actions he took were the right ones. now, he is no longer sure. )

I killed people, Nicky. Not monsters or... ( he draws in a deep breath. ) They weren't corrupted. Not like those things in the forest. ( an uneasy smile tilts the corner of his lips. ) Most of them were even family. ( but not all of them were supposed to die — an invasive thought ignored. )

I can't... go back to being that person again either. ( he finally lifts his gaze back to nick, his smile still weighted. )

Edited 2022-04-03 09:05 (UTC)

[ pierce's family have always been this kind of elephant in the room. none of them have good families, they're all kind of their own brands of awful, but there's something about the strickland's that they've never really touched on. and once upon a time that was unusual -- once upon a time secrets weren't a thing, not between all of them.

but pierce tells him more than nick expects, and maybe it's to make a point as much as anything else, but it's still honesty. nick unwinds one of his arms, reaches his hand out towards pierce and holds it out, palm up. there's nothing magical about it at all. it's just a hand, reaching out. ]

I missed you so much, when you left. I thought— I knew you guys were graduating, but I thought everything would stay the same, you know? But you left, and then so did Ken, and Oli's around, but it's not the same. I always figured you found cooler friends to hang out with.

[ it's a joke, nick even laughs, a little weak. tired. he doesn't have the energy for a whole mask, or even a little if he's honest. ]

You feel different. I thought it was just age, or this place. I don't know. But I love you, still.

I missed you too.

( he doesn't want to get into detail about how they all sort of fell apart after graduation, especially when he can only make conjectures about some of them. there are still a lot of blank spaces to be filled during those five years.

he places his hand over nick's outstretched one, slightly more settled by the gesture. )

We've both changed, Nick. By things outside of our control. And things that we aren't exactly proud of. But if you can still love me after what I just told you, then what makes you think you don't deserve at least that much?

( he didn't tell him what he did because he wanted compassion or reassurance. there is a prevalent point to be made here, one that he hopes nick doesn't miss. )

[ he's already fairly determined not to cry on pierce's stupid couch again, but pierce brings his point home like that and nick sort of--wilts. his face cracks, but it only lasts for a moment before nick is pulling it back with a slow and measured exhale.

he latches onto pierce's hand though, grip a little too tight as his fingers close around the other's hand. ]

I don't know. I just... [ there's an end to that sentence coming, but nick trails off like there isn't. he shrugs, expression tight, an he's so determined not to fall apart here again, but it's hard. it's hard when he's thinking about these nasty, unpleasant parts of himself that he shines lights away from, as much as he can. ]

I don't deserve it. I don't know if there's anything left to love.

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cw: mentions of murder & familicide

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